Ivy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ivybgreenflower) wrote2004-11-06 12:13 am
ivybgreenflower) wrote2004-11-06 12:13 am
K.
Livejournal, like, hates me. Seriously? Every time I attempt to write html- for pictures, to reduce font size, whatever- it either zonks out or totally ignores it. Dude, I am NOT going to use rich text mode. I don't like it. It's evil. I used it a few times, and man-- no way. I hope lj gets over it.
I've just been thinking- I know, a dangerous thing- and I realized an issue that no one --- that should be in italics, kthnx --- understands me. I know, I know. It sounds so emo. But I'm not bothered by it, I'm not going to be all "OMG NO ONE HAS EVER HAD A LIFE AS BAD AS MINE, OH WOE. Allow me to explain.
See, I first started really thinking about this when Mother and I were dress shopping. I am picky. Either I like it or I don't like it. She just doesn't understand, which *I* in turn do not understand why she doesn't understand BECAUSE I GOT THIS TRAIT FROM HER. Anyway. So she holds up a dress and I say, "No, I don't like it." To which she responds, sometimes angrily, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?"
Aha, there's the problem.
There's no simple explanation for it. No REASON- not a reason that makes sense without hours of rather circular reasoning behind it, anyway. And I just don't get why there even HAS to be a reason-- why do I have to justify my opinions? I don't like it- GET OVER IT. I'm not telling you not to like it, I'm not writing a persuasive essay, I just don't like the damn dress.
Sometimes I get myself in trouble by giving a superficial reason which angers her- "It has no straps" "I hate that color" you know, whatever. And she gets upset. "IT'S JUST A DRESS!!"
No, it isn't just a dress. I have to wear this thing, people have to see me in this thing, I have appearances to keep up, I don't want to spend a lot of money on something I only like because it has glitter. Or whatever.
Our worst fights appear when I have to get new glasses. It's inevitable- eyes get worse, you need new glasses. Oh, God. This is worse than the dress. Glasses I have to wear every single effing day of my life --- also italics, plz. ---. I already hate my own appearance- I hate looking at myself. Why make it worse by wearing glasses I don't like? I'm not getting glasses I don't like because that means I'll have to settle. And dude? I hate settling when it comes to things I'm passionate about. Look- this is my face, these are my eyes, and, of course, MY glasses. It's MY choice. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you like them or not. It matters if I like them. Me. Kthnx.
I really hate justifying why I do things the way I do. When people used to ask why I wore my fork- I mean, WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WEAR IT? Why do you wear your jewelry? Because whatever it symbolizes, or whatever, it all boils down to BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. Even if you lost a bet, you really ultimately have the choice when it comes right down to it. Even if you was a choice between fork and death, look, you CHOSE life, and, by extension, the fork. So the reason is- plain and simple- because I want to.
And here's something else.
Why have I planned my life out and made my decisions the way I did?
Why do I want to grow up and be a homemaker and a mother, and write to support myself? Why do I refuse to drive? Why am I so weird?
Here's a question for you:
WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE?
It's not your life, it's mine. Let me screw it up if I have to. I'm stubborn. Leave me alone. Stop trying to get me to change my mind. This is what I want. No one else made up my mind- I did. Again, the reason is: BECAUSE I WANT TO. No-freakin'-duh. I mean, come on.
And again, it also comes down to "There is no reason", the simple explanation, anyway. I can't make you understand why I don't find cleaning tedious and how I can't be bored sitting in the same house day after day. I don't have the ability to get you to understand. So, however unreasonable, unrealistic, stupid, whatever my ideas and decisions are, they're MINE- you can't change them. I know how hard it is to be a writer and make it actually works. That's what college and AP are for- in case that doesn't work out. See? There's the back-up plan- if it turns out my kids hate me and we have no money, I have the degree to fall back on. And in the beginning of my marriage I'll probably HAVE to get a job, and by then, yes, I will admit defeat and hand in the towel and get a car and drive. Ok? Happy? Because I refuse to have children until I can support them, which I can't do without money, which I can't get without a job, which I can't get without a car, which I can't get without money, which I can't get without a job, and you see how it goes and how, as a teenager, I find it a lot less stressful to keep out of the circle until it's actually necessary and I'd be MORE stressed if I didn't. Everything has a time. See? It all makes sense now.
I hope that answers all of your questions and all that crap, and I hope you don't bring any of it up any more because dude? I will bite your EYE out of its socket if you do.
Ivyette @ 12:07 AM
I've just been thinking- I know, a dangerous thing- and I realized an issue that no one --- that should be in italics, kthnx --- understands me. I know, I know. It sounds so emo. But I'm not bothered by it, I'm not going to be all "OMG NO ONE HAS EVER HAD A LIFE AS BAD AS MINE, OH WOE. Allow me to explain.
See, I first started really thinking about this when Mother and I were dress shopping. I am picky. Either I like it or I don't like it. She just doesn't understand, which *I* in turn do not understand why she doesn't understand BECAUSE I GOT THIS TRAIT FROM HER. Anyway. So she holds up a dress and I say, "No, I don't like it." To which she responds, sometimes angrily, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?"
Aha, there's the problem.
There's no simple explanation for it. No REASON- not a reason that makes sense without hours of rather circular reasoning behind it, anyway. And I just don't get why there even HAS to be a reason-- why do I have to justify my opinions? I don't like it- GET OVER IT. I'm not telling you not to like it, I'm not writing a persuasive essay, I just don't like the damn dress.
Sometimes I get myself in trouble by giving a superficial reason which angers her- "It has no straps" "I hate that color" you know, whatever. And she gets upset. "IT'S JUST A DRESS!!"
No, it isn't just a dress. I have to wear this thing, people have to see me in this thing, I have appearances to keep up, I don't want to spend a lot of money on something I only like because it has glitter. Or whatever.
Our worst fights appear when I have to get new glasses. It's inevitable- eyes get worse, you need new glasses. Oh, God. This is worse than the dress. Glasses I have to wear every single effing day of my life --- also italics, plz. ---. I already hate my own appearance- I hate looking at myself. Why make it worse by wearing glasses I don't like? I'm not getting glasses I don't like because that means I'll have to settle. And dude? I hate settling when it comes to things I'm passionate about. Look- this is my face, these are my eyes, and, of course, MY glasses. It's MY choice. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you like them or not. It matters if I like them. Me. Kthnx.
I really hate justifying why I do things the way I do. When people used to ask why I wore my fork- I mean, WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WEAR IT? Why do you wear your jewelry? Because whatever it symbolizes, or whatever, it all boils down to BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. Even if you lost a bet, you really ultimately have the choice when it comes right down to it. Even if you was a choice between fork and death, look, you CHOSE life, and, by extension, the fork. So the reason is- plain and simple- because I want to.
And here's something else.
Why have I planned my life out and made my decisions the way I did?
Why do I want to grow up and be a homemaker and a mother, and write to support myself? Why do I refuse to drive? Why am I so weird?
Here's a question for you:
WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE?
It's not your life, it's mine. Let me screw it up if I have to. I'm stubborn. Leave me alone. Stop trying to get me to change my mind. This is what I want. No one else made up my mind- I did. Again, the reason is: BECAUSE I WANT TO. No-freakin'-duh. I mean, come on.
And again, it also comes down to "There is no reason", the simple explanation, anyway. I can't make you understand why I don't find cleaning tedious and how I can't be bored sitting in the same house day after day. I don't have the ability to get you to understand. So, however unreasonable, unrealistic, stupid, whatever my ideas and decisions are, they're MINE- you can't change them. I know how hard it is to be a writer and make it actually works. That's what college and AP are for- in case that doesn't work out. See? There's the back-up plan- if it turns out my kids hate me and we have no money, I have the degree to fall back on. And in the beginning of my marriage I'll probably HAVE to get a job, and by then, yes, I will admit defeat and hand in the towel and get a car and drive. Ok? Happy? Because I refuse to have children until I can support them, which I can't do without money, which I can't get without a job, which I can't get without a car, which I can't get without money, which I can't get without a job, and you see how it goes and how, as a teenager, I find it a lot less stressful to keep out of the circle until it's actually necessary and I'd be MORE stressed if I didn't. Everything has a time. See? It all makes sense now.
I hope that answers all of your questions and all that crap, and I hope you don't bring any of it up any more because dude? I will bite your EYE out of its socket if you do.
Ivyette @ 12:07 AM
Bring the pain.
Love, luck, and lollipops
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as long as you are happy doing what you are doing, what else should matter?
you live your own life not someone else's.
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Parents just want to conform us to their ideals....
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As far as your choices for your future...we're not trying to tell you what to do, or make you feel bad, we're just concerned. Like Jackie said, you have a lot of potential. You're a smart girl that deserves something better than sitting at home cleaning all day. I apologize for upsetting you but we're just trying to understand the choices that you plan to make. You are stubborn, and since there's no way of changing your mind, I can only say that I hope things work out.
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And you know, it really means so much to me that you two care enough to be upset/annoyed at me/my decisions... I love you two. :)
"Deserve" ...not a word I even thought of. I don't really see myself as deserving of very much, but since you do and I'm really too self-critical, maybe I do. I'll think about it.
One thing I guess I didn't make clear enough is that I do not intend to live out my entire adult life cleaning and caring for children and nothing else. It was a generalization- I see myself as placing more of an importance on housekeeping and child-rearing than most do simply because I'll enjoy it. But my life will not revolve around, say, the joy of coupon-clipping or buying a new vacuum or something. There will be more to my life than just that, because I will most definitely get bored of that pretty quickly. I'll get a part-time job or something. And then of course there's the husband factor, I'll have to consider his opinions and needs. So it's more complicated than "I want to be a cleaner when I grow up" but I didn't and still don't really feel the need to elaborate. Just trust me :)
And thanks for trying, and caring, and hoping things work out. I promise, they will. :)
<3333
Ivyette
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Example: I totally understand why you wouldn't want a dress without straps. When hugging a person that is taller than the dress-wearer, the dress tends to slip off. How traumatizing. Although, maybe you have a different reason for wanting no straps like...you just hate strapless dresses because...you hate strapless dresses...like you hate Nicole Kidman bececause she's Nicole Kidman.
2. How can you ask such a stupid question like, "WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE?".
That would be like me asking "WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE FACT THAT I'M MOVING TO THE POINT WHERE YOU CRY?"